Hiatus

In between classes again, but no internet, so not so much time to blog.

Smooth Sailing

"The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. "

Author: Edward Gibbon
Source: Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (ch. LXVIII)

I wanted a photo to complement one of my favorite quotes. It serves me as a reminder to be optimistic, and that in every problem or shortcoming, hides an opportunity to better myself and/or my situation. It is up to me to find that opportunity and use it to my advantage. It can be hard to see at first, if I ever do in fact see it, but typically, when things settle down, I am usually in a better position than I was to begin with.

Sometimes its very hard to see, and that can be unsettling itself. At the same time, its hard to tell if I'm blinding myself with optimism, but that doesn't really matter so much. What matters is if I have a good feel for something. I could be in a really shitty situation, but as long as I am aware of it and have a plan, everything is fine. It is nice to have a plan--a plan means I have clear understanding of the situation or that I have "Situational Awareness"--Navy term, heard it way to often.

When problems come up, It helps to quantify things. No matter what it is, it can be quantified... arguably. But some things are just not worth the energy or time. I find comfort in numbers. There's truth in them. They can sometimes lie, but they can also be reviewed, studied, corrected, edited, and revised.
It also helps to have a Big Picture. As long as the Big Picture doesn't change or is in jeopardy, things can't be and don't seem so bad.
The one thing that I worry about that will most affect my Big Picture is the car. I need it to run for at least 4 more years-- 3 more years of school, and at least a year into looking for, and starting a career. It's been acting up on me. On one of my wilderness outings, I bottomed out on a pot hole/canyon that was full of water. The flex hose to my catalytic converter has a leak--causing the car to sound incredibly rude-- and the only way to lawfully fix that is to replace the whole catalytic converter. Not cheap. More importantly is the tie-rod problem. That got jacked up too. If I were to get everything taken care of in stages, the tie-rod comes first, but since the safety inspection is past due and my car won't pass emissions testing without fixing the converter, I fear the service station will feel obligated to fix both. I guess it's one of those things I'm just going to have to swallow.

Anyway, getting the car to run top notch is Priority 1. It is THE method of getting to and from school and work. Without it, life would get uncomfortable very fast.

So I ended up with an A- in physics. I don't feel too bad about it. Its not an A, but its not a B+ either. Cumulative GPA: 3.702
I was at a 3.705 at the beginning of the summer session. Its going to take every breath in me to stay above 3.7 by the end of fall semester. I hear Physics II is not so bad, and the same for Calc III, but I have no idea about Statics. I guess its a few elements of Physics I in greater detail. Hopefully I wont be distracted by any cuties next time around. I know a few people that will be in my classes, so that's kinda comforting. I haven't had the problem of being distracted so much at all up until this past summer session. Could it have been because Spring was in the air? Usually there is only one female in a class of 32 guys, which may not sound right, but it's the way I prefer it, especially now when I know how a number of females can influence me.

Ill add love to the Big Picture when Im done with school...maybe.

Fair winds and following seas!

Employment is Underway

I went down to Erie Basin Marina yesterday to try and get some pictures of some sailboats out on the lake. Being Monday, there was only one, and she was piloting--not exactly picture worthy. I did take some pictures of the lighthouse on the Coast Guard base though. There is plenty of symbolism in lighthouses--to the point where they have become cliche.
Cliches are cliches for a reason.

I felt a sense of belonging walking past the Naval Park.
Having been a Quartermaster in the Navy, I have an appreciation for all things nautical--even if its just a lake.

Today:
I started my new job, or "assignment" if one chooses to be technical. First impression is very good. People seem nice, hardworking, and team oriented. The place is bigger than what I've been used to. On my last "assignment", there were just two of us, the boss and me on second shift. Even before that, when I technically had a job, the place was small, maybe 20 people. Now there are 50 plus people, and the actual building is huge.

When I first rolled up, about 10 minutes until I had to be there, the parking lot was full of cars, and everybody was sitting in their cars waiting to go in. I thought that was kind of interesting/funny. Nobody wanted to go in early, not even 10 minutes. I would've went in but I had no idea where the actual entrance was. So I waited with them, until the flock of them went in at once and I was able to figure out where to go. I had to ask around a few times to figure out who I was supposed to see, and eventually was able to find my little niche in this huge factory. It may be hard to stand out from the crowd. It'll be some time before I figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I hope this job lasts. I'd like to transfer to second shift once school starts and be able to ride this one out until I'm done with school, or sooner if I need too. Bouncing around is kind of nice, but it can be stressful.

Humbled... again

I've been anxiously waiting for the lip on this candle to melt over. I want to tip it a little to help it along, but that just wouldn't be right. Some things are best left to take its course. Interfering would destroy what is beautiful about it. I'm not so sure that it will ever melt over.
I hope it does.

Some things are not so easily left alone, but just the same as the candle, they should be, and to interfere warrants the possibility of knocking it over and spilling hot wax all over the table surface and/or your person.

I've been burned.

There aren't too many people who I've felt a special connection with. So when one comes along, I suppose I get anxious. A beautiful face will most certainly add to this anxiousness, a face that will cause one to melt. I grew angst knowing that my time with this person would be short lived unless I acted.

So I tipped the candle.

I went out on a limb.

That limb came crashing down.

I landed on my heart.

Somehow my heart ended up in my stomach. It's amazing how I managed to live! I initially had all the symptoms of a normal heartbreak: Shame, loneliness, lack of self esteem. I've been through this before, more severely, during and following a 3 year relationship. I know how to get through it, and as of now I'd say I'm 85% through it. No matter how many times I go through it though, it still stinks. In truth, I don't go through this very often. Like I said before, there aren't too many people I have felt connected with, so when I ask someone out, it's serious. It takes two to tango though... apparently.

Shame was the easiest symptom to suppress. After all, you never know unless you try. If I hadn't tried, chances are that I would never see her again, and I would've been left with the shame that I never even tried.

Loneliness: A feeling I've been wrestling with all my life, and will continue to do so. It doesn't matter if I'm with someone for awhile, single, with a good group of friends, or with my family. A little part of me will always be lonely. I'm not exactly sure why. Truth is, I enjoy a bit of me time. I think everybody does. I just think I enjoy it a little more than most, and to the point where when I do feel like being with people, I've isolated myself from them so much that when I am with them, I'm not 100% there. One of my greatest fears is that I will never mind being alone, and then one day I will mind.
So to overcome the loneliness part, spend some time alone--but be active, but then surround yourself with people you love, and that love you. It seems simple enough.

Getting self esteem back is probably the hardest part in overcoming heartbreak. There are certain things about you that are not easily changed. All you can really do is keep telling yourself "You are who you are for a reason" or "You are who you are because God likes you that way", "Beauty is only skin deep" etc... Although these words are comforting, these are all just words. Beauty is important to me, so I can only assume that it is important to others. I say beauty is beauty for a reason. This idea may bother many, but beauty is also very, very relative. Understanding this is part of how one regains, and retains self-esteem.
I'm still working on it.

In the end, I didn't really know her all too well, but I will miss her... but I certainly won't miss my feelings for her!

The Wilderness!

For the most part, I like living in the city. I have the choice to walk to grab a gallon of milk, or sweetner for my coffee--or to buy a coffee if I don't want to make a cup, and chances are fair that one of the 7 households within 200 feet of me has an unsecured wireless internet connection.

Of course there are several drawbacks. One in particular is that at least one of your neighbors is going to get up on a Sunday morning, a morning after the July 4th holiday, and mow the little bit of lawn that he has.

Yesterday, I celebrated my freedom by going into the wilderness. I didn't think of it a good idea at first considering I haven't eaten much in the past few days, but this hike was necessary to help overcome my loss of appetite. I tired quickly so I only put in about 4 miles, but with a little bit more off-the-trail-steep-hill-climbing than usual. I spent a great deal of time looking for this one particular geocache but I couldn't find it. Overall though I found 6 yesterday, and I now have found the greater majority of them in Hunters Creek Park. I'd like to be able to post my tracks on my blog. I may have to take some time to figure out the best way to do this.

The top picture is of the pipeline that runs through the park. I like walking the pipeline. I like being out in the sun, but if it becomes too sunny, I can always duck back into the wilderness.

It is usually holidays where I think back over the past few years and try to remember what I did, and where I was. Holidays make good bookmarks for my life, though I often misplace them, and rearrange them. I don't recall if it was last year I went to Connecticut for the 4th or if it was the year before, and it really doesn't matter. Whats important is that I remember the good times. Visiting old Navy buddies is always a good time. Mostly because we talk about the older good times... and the bad, which can be good anyway because its a relief to think that those bad times are behind us, and that we made it through them.

I do remember several years back, in the Navy days, going to sea on July 3rd. That same year we deployed three days or so before Thanksgiving. That would be the only year, so far, that I didn't have turkey dinner. Because of the watch rotation, it benefited me more to nap than to stay up for dinner.

Was this a holiday worth remembering? Although it was nice having dinner with family, which I do often anyway, probably not so much... but I know that I will have more that are.

Time

Everyone wants a simple life, I believe. It is when life becomes too simple that it becomes a burden.

I feel much more worn out with not much to do with my time than when I had so much to do with not so much time. So many things have happened all at once. I lost my job, summer session has ended, and I am in a new single bedroom apartment--amongst other personal issues that I'm debating whether to post or not. This is the type of situation that has blog written all over it. But it is too much, I don't think I have the capacity to type in every detail... I may spread things out evenly over the next few days/week.

I start a new day shift job Tuesday, so at least some of the pain is only temporary. One thing I don't mind about being a temp is that I don't have to put too much effort into finding a new place of employment. This may come off as being lazy to some, and indeed is about 35% laziness on my part, but lets keep in mind that Ive been going to school full time over the summer, and with physics being a 4.5 credit hour course, I needed to see to it that I achieved a quasi-reasonable grade. My goal at the beginning of the semester was A--that's what my goal is for every class--but things don't always work out the way we want them too--losing a job, needing to find a new place to live, laundry, fixing the car, females, can all be pretty distracting. I should find out my grade sometime next week. Its eating me inside. I was right on the fence between B+ and A- when I took the last exam, I feel I did A'ish on the last exam....we'll see.

Needless to say, hopefully, that I didn't have too much time to worry about finding a new job. School first, work second.

About the job though, Ive learned that you can't have the joy of finding a new job without the loss of another. I wasn't too heartbroken about loosing my previous job. It was a good job though, I worked hard, and I got a lot of exercise. I may have gained some muscle mass and shed some tummy fat. It was just a little bit too much muscle work and not enough brain work for me. I found myself daydreaming about different things... what I was going to do that weekend, physics, how cute that girl in physics class is... shit! that 250psi pneumatic RF welder came a little too close to smashing/frying my fingers!.... Why am I wearing steel toe boots?

That is all behind me now. With summer classes done, I'm working days now. I'm pretty excited about the new job. I like meeting new people, I just don't like most of them after a few months or so, at most. I like the new job experiences too, learning new things. The last job I learned to drive a forklift. I'll probably miss that aspect the most. Forklifts are fun.

How long will I have this job? I don't know. The uncertainty is breathtakingly exciting!....for now.

I haven't had to much of an appetite lately. I've been force feeding myself, which I never like to do, but my stomach has been yelling at me, so I had to shut it up with a PB&J. Its still complaining though. It wants more. It's just going to have to wait.

Hello World

Ive never been much of a good writer. Up to a relatively recent time in my life, writing has always been a task, and I never really saw the potential in it to express ideas and thoughts. I've tried in the past to keep a journal, but the only time I ever wrote in them was when I was feeling down or sad. So I just ended up with pages of thoughts and emotions that were nothing but reminders of my pain.
It was in my college composition classes where I discovered the power of putting thoughts to paper, which I believe is the purpose of that particular curriculum. With that, an A is a good way of representing my understanding of a particular topic to the rest of the world, but it does not always represent how I feel I did. I feel that I did struggle a bit in the classes. I would try to create professional journalism quality papers that I would read in magazines, newspaper, and online articles--something that I was not nearly capable of. I would spend hours trying to write a page, only to submit them dissatisfied. I expressed my thoughts and feelings about this to my professor. Her retort: "Just write the fucking paper!"--a valuable lesson that I cherish to this day. I would end up with A's, and I always felt that I didn't deserve them. Well, needless to say, I eventually came to terms with myself and just tried to understand that I'm not a professional writer, nor will I ever be, but I do still find it important to be able to convey thoughts and ideas to others and to myself. The purpose of language is to communicate. As long as the ideas and meaning can be transmitted, received, and comprehended, well then mission accomplished. There is no need to be so formal about everything.
I will try to create something worth reading, if not to anyone, at least, to myself.