Humbled... again

I've been anxiously waiting for the lip on this candle to melt over. I want to tip it a little to help it along, but that just wouldn't be right. Some things are best left to take its course. Interfering would destroy what is beautiful about it. I'm not so sure that it will ever melt over.
I hope it does.

Some things are not so easily left alone, but just the same as the candle, they should be, and to interfere warrants the possibility of knocking it over and spilling hot wax all over the table surface and/or your person.

I've been burned.

There aren't too many people who I've felt a special connection with. So when one comes along, I suppose I get anxious. A beautiful face will most certainly add to this anxiousness, a face that will cause one to melt. I grew angst knowing that my time with this person would be short lived unless I acted.

So I tipped the candle.

I went out on a limb.

That limb came crashing down.

I landed on my heart.

Somehow my heart ended up in my stomach. It's amazing how I managed to live! I initially had all the symptoms of a normal heartbreak: Shame, loneliness, lack of self esteem. I've been through this before, more severely, during and following a 3 year relationship. I know how to get through it, and as of now I'd say I'm 85% through it. No matter how many times I go through it though, it still stinks. In truth, I don't go through this very often. Like I said before, there aren't too many people I have felt connected with, so when I ask someone out, it's serious. It takes two to tango though... apparently.

Shame was the easiest symptom to suppress. After all, you never know unless you try. If I hadn't tried, chances are that I would never see her again, and I would've been left with the shame that I never even tried.

Loneliness: A feeling I've been wrestling with all my life, and will continue to do so. It doesn't matter if I'm with someone for awhile, single, with a good group of friends, or with my family. A little part of me will always be lonely. I'm not exactly sure why. Truth is, I enjoy a bit of me time. I think everybody does. I just think I enjoy it a little more than most, and to the point where when I do feel like being with people, I've isolated myself from them so much that when I am with them, I'm not 100% there. One of my greatest fears is that I will never mind being alone, and then one day I will mind.
So to overcome the loneliness part, spend some time alone--but be active, but then surround yourself with people you love, and that love you. It seems simple enough.

Getting self esteem back is probably the hardest part in overcoming heartbreak. There are certain things about you that are not easily changed. All you can really do is keep telling yourself "You are who you are for a reason" or "You are who you are because God likes you that way", "Beauty is only skin deep" etc... Although these words are comforting, these are all just words. Beauty is important to me, so I can only assume that it is important to others. I say beauty is beauty for a reason. This idea may bother many, but beauty is also very, very relative. Understanding this is part of how one regains, and retains self-esteem.
I'm still working on it.

In the end, I didn't really know her all too well, but I will miss her... but I certainly won't miss my feelings for her!